a yellow noise
like wax. wax sutures.
at the root. pitiful
watch dad claw
air around the pawn shop
moon hammered tin
hard when they
almond wind &
decade I slunk
out of supermarkets
with full bags.
smiled at the guard.
enough to swallow.
I’m so tired.
I’M NOT FOOLING ANYONE
I didn’t buy the expensive blouse, but I wanted it. I am not the kind of girl who gets to
buy linen. I stubbed out my cigarette & went inside. Someone passes the salt.
Someone talks about Milton but not his daughter. Someone’s selling their vacation
home. I wanted something. I got it. I dreaded something. I got it. The porch light
flicks on. I’m enjoying my summer very much. No, I didn’t go swimming today. When
I was 16 I starved myself so hard my eyes wouldn’t focus & as they dragged me across
the corridor my hands rictused. I live near Myrtle-Broadway. I’m sorry, I mumble. My
dad doesn’t remember anything. Sit upright, repeat the sentence. I dreamed Eileen
Myles brought me Burger King and inside was the Ruth Lilly. Tonight’s cake is carrot.
The tines are cold against my teeth. Someone’s upset because of a bad review in the
Times. He’s 24. I can’t stop doing this bad thing. Sometimes I think it’s part of a
bigger plan but maybe that plan is to fuck up beyond repair. Today, Sarah’s mom
picked up her ashes. This week, the acorns are falling faster. When I flush the
evidence, it feels like I’ve won. A screen door slams. A voice rich with cigarette glow
yells across a field. Their half-lit faces so fine-wrought I turn my face away, saddened.
Someone yells back as I walk down the steps. Caravaggio died of malaria waiting for a
rescue ship. Out of 31, one of us is not white. My fingers are warm against my teeth.
My left hand’s still stiff in rain.